Feeling really down lately probably due to a number of things in my life, in fact think I can say I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Lots of things are bothering me, I'm not sleeping that well and to be honest I think I'm so far lucky I've not thrown myself into comfort eating or comfort drinking, done well to keep things under control. I feel so fed up with life and know I got to step out of it, easier sad than done.
I'm normally a positive person but am so negative at this moment its unbelievable. I've never felt as bad as this, its actually making me feel ill, just sat here looking at four walls with no motivation to do anything. Luckily I'm out tonight got a TT match then Pool so will be with friends, hopfully have a laugh and forget my troubles. Nothing on tomorrow, gonna have to give myself a kick up the backside and do something or I'll crack up.
Suppose everyone as their ideas of the reasons but I'm gonna write them down (not in any particular order).
1. Obviously losing my parents last year particuarly as I was looking after them. Dad passed away in November while I was away one weekend and although I've been told there was nothing I could have done I feel sort of guilty I wasnt there for him, maybe I could have done something, its haunting me. At the time with sorting the funeral and his affairs I dealt with it well but its sort of now its hitting me he isn't here anymore, same delayed reaction happend month or so after Mums funeral. Having no siblings its left me feeling alone and lonely, loads of cousins who supported me at the time but hven't heard from anyone since new year.
2. One of the things I've always tended to do in dark moments is throw myself into my sports but I've had a knee injury and its about two months, I've had to withdraw from a lot of competitions/matches and its left me thinking that I've reached the age where my body cant take so much and I'll have to cut back. Ok the knee does feel its getting better so suppose thats a good sign, we'll see.
3. Of course splitting up with Paula is not what I wanted but I can honestly say I didn't think it was for ever, think when we met it was the right person at the right time for both of us, neither were the others normal type. Also there is a age difference, can't ignore it although she as always assured me its not a issue.
Don't get me wrong nobody is to blame thats why we've parted as good friends. In fact I'll not write off the possibility of us been a pair in the future but also know its pointless sat about waiting for something to happen.
To be fair we were breaking up in November but stuck it out through Dads funeral and a few chrimmy functions (plus holiday in december), I appreciated that. Yes we will meet up, actually went out for lunch yesterday, enjoyed been with her as always only trouble is I see what I'm missing. In fact I'll go as far as to say it really hit home yesterday how fond Iam of her, really do care about her. If it Ain't me just hope she finds the right person, never want to see her hurt.
4. Absolutely minor (but could do without the hassle) compared to other things going on, some people because of moaning at both Table Tennis and Pool have really narked me later. Had a real kiddy fit from one at TT last week that brought a verbal response from me that ain't gone down well.
5. Long term issues but been iving thought to life in the future, things like do I want to live here, its bigger than I need and don't really want the garden. Again that gt fantastic neighbours and the area is so quiet.
Also need to sort my Will out as previously everything was to my parents, I got a little bit of cash and obviously my home, if anything happend wouldn't want the government or relations i dont like to get a share.
6. Got one more ongoing issue probably the thing thas worrying me most, I ain't gonna blog about because very few people know and its not right to say, not sure how its gonna work out but feel not great but its something i got to do. In fact Paula is the only person that knows whats going on and I'm happy she as encouraged me to do what I'm doing. I've a feeling this is going to be a ongoing saga.
Gee miserable post today just needed to get things off my chest.
On a happier note got a email from a ex blogger for anyone that remembers Sandii from Austrailia she a had her holiday to India in February cancelled by the airline so is now touring Europe. Going to be in London 3 or 4 days and it actually clashes with the saturday I'm visiting the big city for a reunion with the people i was on holiday with so we gonna meet. Thats great I think, can't wait.
5 comments:
Time is a great healer, sounds like you're having a rough time.
Keep chin up.
There is light at the end of the tunnel Mick. It might be just a pinprick now but over time you will get closer to it and need sunglasses! Well done for not resorting to comfort eating and drinking under such difficult circumstances. Maybe you could try a new hobby (one that doesn't involve your knees!) so it gets you out of the house and meeting new people. SInce you love travelling, maybe it would be a good idea to sell up and move into an apartment. That way you just close the door on your way to holidays, no yard to worry about. That is what we are thinking of doing. Sell our house, get a unit, that way we will be set up for our retirement and we can just walk away and leave it to go travelling. As anon said, keep your chin up! SHARLENE
My dear Mick, there's chronic depression and there's situational depression and you've got plenty of reasons to have the latter. I'm sorry life has been so rough for you. You do not deserve it. It might feel like things are never going to change and you'll always feel this way. Please keep looking for the things that will help you move through this. For me that's friends, therapy, medication and exercise. I realize not all of those apply to you, but you'll find what does. You have people all over the world pulling for you.
Anon,
Thanks
Sharlene,
I'v actually thought about taking up something new, may come up with something.
Moving to an apartment is something I'm going to really consider but not at present. Intend to give it a year or so here then maybe I can consider it rationally.
Thanks your words are appreciated.
For the record I'm still a bit down today but not near yesterdays low point, talked to a few people think thats helped.
Reg,
Looks like we posting at the same time.
Of the things you mention I agree friends and people definately help and I've been chatting with a few since posting yesterday.
Exercise is good for me, at bad times i throw myself at sport but a knee injury is restricting me, still its getting better.
Thanks my friend.
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