Not Easy but I'm ok.

I'm writing this while waiting for the Vicar to come and visit to discuss the service for Dads funeral which is going to be next Friday afternoon (18th).

I've been trying to pick what music I want playing, what hymms, what prayers and to be honest haven't a clue yet, ok got a few songs in mind but not finalised yet. Only other two funerals I've add input in was Janes & Mums and we had time to prepare for them so knew exactly what stuff they wanted at their funerals, Dad I don't really know but as only cild its down to me. One thing I did at the other two funerals was speak and intend to do it again, think this going to be the hardest though.

Before anyone asks how I am, I'm ok mainly because I've kept myself busy with jobs around the home and making arrangementssuch as Undertakers, contacting people, flowers, grave stone, Solicitors (will), pensions, etc. During the week I went out with the Pool Lads monday, Table Tennis crowd wednesday and last night went with Paula to her darts match (shuld I say OUR dart match cos they were short and got me to play, badly I'll add). Plenty of friends and relatives are keeping in touch but it getting quieter now so reckon the next week up to the funeral will get maybe harder. Its when your alone its worst.

Back to funeral I've still go Mums ashes (she wanted cremation) and have arranged for them to go into the coffin with Dad then they will be together, makes sense with them passing away so close together. I'll then get a stone made with both of them on, got an appointment arrranged to see the stonemasons Monday.

Think the rest of the year I need to get behind me, Christmas is too close and I'm thinking of cancelling it, no tree, no decorations, etc. Saying that I'm unsure what I'll do, Paula suggested I book a holiday and go away at christmas, I'm considering it along with other options. What do you all think ?
A few people have already invited me to spend it with them but as I say I'll keep all options open, wont make any decision until after the funeral thats for sure.



Update - The vicar as been and sort of got the service sorted, just had my tea so now sat here bored which isn't great. TV doesn't appeal tonight so may put a DVD on later, wont be too late out of bed I think. Phone seems quiet for first time so it gonna be long night.

A Big Loss

Its really busted me up losing Dad at the weekend I've taken it very hard. It was a real shock to find him, I'd been away for the weekend actually talked to him on the phone just after lunch Saturday but it appears he passed away early evening. He hadn't had the salad I'd left in the fridge for him which he would have at about 6pm. Also one of the neighbours had been with him in the afternoon until 4pm so its sometime in between.

So it appears he'd been dead 24 hours before found him.

He's had a post mortom to find reason for death and its been caused by a blockage in the arteries stopping bllod and oxygen getting to his heart, the coroner said it would have been very quick and little anyone could have done. That doesn't stop me feeling guilty not been there, wish I was but I know he wouldn't have wanted me to be there 24 hour per day and spoil my life.

He was 86 coming up 87 in January so had a good inings I suppose but that doesn't make it any easier, I've took this much harder than Mum because in some respects that was a relief due to health issues and she was ready to go. Dad had a few health issues himself but nothing we thought life threatening and things seemed to be getting better.

Losing both parents in the same year is devastating to me and gonna take a lot of getting over, my parents did so much for me even though we didn't always see eye to eye, they were always there for me. It was a honour to look after them in their later years as their health failed.

RIP to a great Dad

Don't know why I'm on here

Don't know why I'm on here, just don't know what to do with myself. My Dads passed away, found him earlier, I'm devastated and my head is just scrambled.

Emphasis back to me

Right Dads now home and on the mend so I reckon I got to turn te emphasis back to myself. Really have forgot about my weight loss plans but fortunately although I've not lost anything really I've managed not to put too much on either.

Maybe to break from diet will have done me good and I'll find it easy to get back into the swing of things (diet and exercise), we'll see.

Not a great new start tomorrow because I'm out for a meal, with Paula and some of her work mates, they'll be 7 of us in total so it should be a enjoyable night. We are off to Bella Italia in York a restaurant we both like. Will be staying over and probably Saturday night aswell but maybe have to nip back to Selby and see Dad is ok uring the day but dont expect any problems.

Back Home

Went to hospital to visit Dad yesterday only to be informed he was been discharged so he's now back home. Considering he only had his operation Saturday night it seems a bit early. Apparently the district nurse is supposed to be coming to check him each day, still waiting and its 2.30pm.

As for his operation I found out on top of the hernia and cyst he also had a ulcer removed so no wonder he's been feeling unwell. What concerns me is that he was in hospital a month again for other years and he had a full scan yet they never spotted any of these problems.

Still he is happy to be home and I'm sure we'll see big improvements by the day.

On the Mend

Dad had a operation over the weekend to fix his hernia and they also found a couple of cysts which have been removed (no wonder he's ben off his food).
He's obviously still in hospital recovering and seemed quite perky yesterday so hopefully getting these problems sorted will be a big step forward for him. Ok he has his other health issues but the drugs should help there and I think these recent problems have been a big part of him struggling of late.

Stayed at Paulas saturday and we went out for a meal at a cracking Argentinian Restaurant, both had a really nice steak so think we'll be going again sometime in the future. Afterwards went to watch her nephew perform his first ever accoustic solo gig, seen him in the bands he plays with but he did great on his own, he's very talented. Did a number of covers and 5 or 6 of his own compositions, it was a good night that everyone there enjoyed.
take a look :-

Here we go again

Been hectic day mainly because I had to take Dad into hospital, nothing to do with recent problems but he told me this morning he thinks he has a hernia. Apparentlt he's had it awhile but kept it to himself but its been getting worse, suspect its part of his other problems.
So I took him straight to the Docs and he was admitted to hospital as a emergency case and they are either operating tonight or in the morning.

On another note getting a burglar alarm fitted in the morning so staying here tonight instead of at Paulas, was hoping she would come here but she's a few things to do in the morning herself. Did go through to see here for a couple of hours and we are out tomorrow night so I'll stay over then.

Been Positive

Been giving a lot of thought to Dads recent decline in health and reckon the best way I can help is by been positive, have got to believe he will improve and make him believe it himself.

Another thing that I feel is that I've got to somehow get him to be positive, I reckon since Mum passed away he feels not needed. He was her main carer as she had been in a wheelchair for a number of years so he always had something to do. Not sure how I'll achieve it but I've got to get him more busy, make him feel useful and needed.

Also for my own good I've got to stay positive, think things have been getting me down recently which was making me miserable. I've good things happening in my life at present so I should focus on them and make the most of my life.

So from now on everything is positive.

The Future

Dad is still struggling and its difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it really getting him down that he cant do anything, he's also no appetite. Its making things difficult for me and I can see in the future that I'll virtually be full time careing and it will really stress me, although i don't mind I'm not ideal for that role, I like doing things, playing sports, weekends away, holidays etc.

Did stay over at Paulas this weekend, Friday night we went to the Darts finals night then last night we went our for a meal then on to watch a local band that her nephew plays in. Really enjoyed both nights it was good to get out I'm not been myself at moment finding myself very quiet (usually a talker and witter on when happy) and in deep thought about what the future holds.

Of course I'm trying to stay positive, I'm normally a natural positive person but do honestly feel depressed at present. Think the next two or three months will tell me a lot thats for sure, think I'm at a crossroads.

So we'll have a song today to cheer me up "Crossroads" of course

Keeping me busy

Not really felt like blogging recently mainly because my Dad still isn't well and is taking much of my time slooking after him. He's got a few things wrong thats leading to him lacking energy and feeling depressed. He's struggling to get around and I'm finding he is needing much more attention.

One of the problems is his white blood cells are too high and this leads to his immune system been weak so he is prone to catching anything going around. We've known about this for about 18 month and he goes for regular blood tests and at the moment it isn't getting worse so fingers crossed on that one.

He also suffers from something called PMR which leads to lack of energy and strength, he takes steroids for this which keeps it in control most of the time. However it needs monitering and his dose is altered occasionally.

While he was in hospital they found he also as a thyroid problem so he's now taking more drugs for that, took him to the docs on Monday and they suspect this is the recent deteriation so have just doubled his dose, hope it does the trick. I'll give it a week and if he doesn't improve I'll have him back.

With all thats going on I've forgot about my weight loss programme, just not bothered weighing but think I'm staying quite stable.

To be honest its starting to get me down aswell, if he gets any worse he's gonna need 24 hour care but finges crossed it doesn't come to that.

To

Worried

Over the past couple of weeks I've noiced my Dad struggling a bit, he's not the most mobile since having a new hip and knee but he's been worse than normal. Since Mum passed away he's been a bit lazy so I've been pushing him to do things, he needs that.

Anyway it came to a head today and it appears I've been missreading the situation, he couldn't get out of bed this morning I had to lift him although once up got him moving. By Lunch time he'd got worse and couldn't get out of his chair, could hardly stand up so I got the Doc out to analysize him.

She arranged for him to go into hospital straight away and suspects its something called Polymyalgia rheumatica (PMR) which effects the muscles. They know he has this and he's been on steriods for it for a couple of years however I didn't know they had reduced his dosage so hopfully this is the cause and can easily remidied. Wish I knew they had done this as I'd maybe spotted the symptoms earlier.

Past history proves that he should recover quite quick once the give him a steroid boost, hopfully he'll be fit enough to come home tomorrow, we'll see. One complication though is that he seems very confused he said a few strange things and seemed not able to understand what people were telling him, the docs didn't seem concerned with this somaybe its a side effect.

I'm due to go on holiday to Cyprus on Sunday, I usually make sure he as everthing he needs and some of my cousins and good neighbours call and keep an eye on him. But to be honest if he isn't much improved he'll need 24 hour assistance so that will be me and I just hope its covered in my holiday insurance. Sayng that the holiday is not important in these circumstances.

While talking about parents its strange but I've found myself thinking about Mum a lot lately, really missing her despite it been over 4 months since she passed away. It feels like delayed mourning, can't explain it.